The Choice
by youknowyouwantit
Summary: "And suddenly there is Gibbs, and sniper rifles, and faraway hills, and a need to protect, and they are safe, but her eyes are oh-so-broken and Tony doesn't know how to fix her."
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: NCIS is not mine.**

Michael is dead, and Tony isn't sure how it happened, because she is gone now, still _here_—a loss of brown curls and a dangerous smiles, but they are dark somehow now—and when she meets his eyes, they are filled with hate. And he isn't sure how, because the word is spinning, and there is blood—on her shirt and his hands—as _no, NO_, and the sound of gunshots still echoes in his head when he closes his eyes.

And she has him pressed against the concrete, and the smooth metal of her weapon against his leg, his chest, and he can feel the cold through his clothes. But her glares hurt more than the gun pressed against him, ache in his shoulder, and it feels like a reminder of the broken promises he has shattered over time.

Now Tony is in Israel (_her home_) in a small room, filled with reminders of bloodshed and long-ago battles and smooth desert storms, and Eli taunts him, and tries to break him, but he hides his talents between jokes and fake smiles (Eli doesn't know), and so he knows how to play this man. But Ziva's father asks him if he is jealous and he replies with a taunt to bide his time. But his comment makes him realize how little he actually knows this woman, and so he isn't surprised at the flash of guilt.

And Tony understands Gibbs' decision on that airplane terminal; brown hair whipped across darker brown eyes and hurt expressions. He understands there was a choice. And he can nearly feel the betrayal she felt, like the sting of a slap across the face, and he wants to cry for her.

But he is so angry, so very angry, because Gibbs sent her away. _He_ could have fixed things—an apology here, a smile there (because they are never broken for long), and she would be safe. But Gibbs has chosen wrong. And Tony would have chosen Ziva, for that is the only way to get her away from her father, and that old life she hates so much. Gibbs doesn't understand this.  
>And there are consequences, as there always is with a choice. And now Tony is lost, <em>because the Damocles went down, taking her with it<em>, and it is his own fault, and he doesn't know what to do anymore because the world is spinning and blurry and he doesn't know how to make it stop.

He doesn't understand how life moves on without her. And it is after beer and blonde, unnamed women, sitting cross-legged like a five year old in an alley somewhere that Tony comes to a conclusion.

Revenge.

And it may be the alcohol, or maybe just the hell of that last couple weeks, but he has become so angry at everything, so he brings the idea to the Director, with more thought and effort that he has every put into a report.

But Vance shoots him down and it reminds Tony of a neglected childhood and the woman whose death he is trying to avenge, so he doesn't like that. But Gibbs saves the day—with unused favors or the reminder of unpaid debts, and the next thing he knows, he is in a green jeep and there is so much sand. Later, Tony will feel guilty, but he needs Tim, and maybe he has gone a little crazy, and he doesn't think of the consequences, because nothing matters except for _her._

And he came for revenge, or maybe a quick and heroic end, but he knows it is her the moment he sees her. And he is still surprised to see those brown eyes beneath the hood and dark matted hair. But it is her, her, and he is so relieved he wants to crush her to him, and he didn't care before, but now he wants to _live_ more than anything in the world.

She asks why he is here, and at the moment Tony doesn't know, so he says that first thing he thinks of: _"Couldn't live without you, I guess."_ And he doesn't remember ever being more honest than that.

And suddenly there is Gibbs, and sniper rifles, and faraway hills, and a need to _protect, _and they are safe, but her eyes are oh-so-broken and Tony doesn't know how to fix her.

They are back at NCIS (home) and he is so abruptly tired, but he is too happy to sleep, and there are a million movie references swirling around in his brain, but he doesn't think he has ever seen a movie that had an ending as good as this.

Because he got her back.

Home (his couch) has never felt so good knowing that she is on American soil and not dead, not lost in the middle of the ocean on a sunken ship, or bound in an African terrorist camp, and so he finally lays on his bed and falls asleep, and the last thing on his mind is that he didn't know Tim was so good at playing dead.

And he doesn't have nightmares that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: NCIS is not mine.**

He has betrayed her.

And it is not the dead boyfriend, or the distrusted father, or the mess she has found herself in that brings the sobs that night. But the deception of the person she has trusted the most.

Because Ziva didn't want to like Tony in the beginning—with the tousled brown hair and hazel eyes—she _didn't_, because Ziva does not trust men. But he convinced her—a smile here, and a joke there—and she was suddenly under his spell.

And they were close. They were good together—he investigated and she interrogated and together they were dangerous. But now _he_ is on the floor bleeding, but she doesn't let herself be distracted by that because Michael is dead and it is all his fault. And she didn't think his jealousy would reach this far, and the consequences were worse than she imagined, and so she doesn't know what to say to him anymore. And there is blood on her shirt that she doesn't want to wash away because he was the last link to her family that she never really belonged too. And it breaks her heart because it _doesn't hurt_ that much that Michael is gone.

But Tony is not forgiven.

And she is in Israel and she is fighting off hatred and a little pride when he defies Eli, and her heart is shattered again because every man in her life—every single one—has betrayed her, and her father cuts ties with her with the simple matter of the truth. But she follows his orders anyway—Michael's mission is hers, and she doesn't want it, but she wants to honor him, because they were partners in a way.

Now, Ziva is Mossad again, and she doesn't know if she can do it. Because this world is cruel and dangerous and so familiar, and four years ago she would have followed orders, but now she knows that there is a better life out there.

Ziva has been back before: _he_ was on a boat and Tim was in the basement, but Ziva was in an exploding restaurant in a purple dress Tony would have liked. But this time is different, it feels more real, more permanent, and maybe it is because she doesn't want to be an assassin anymore. But she's lost her chance, and this mess is her fault and so she boards the boat with a face of grim determination (her normal expression) and Ziva goes into the desert.

Ziva once promised herself that she would never be taken alive, but they don't kill her when she tells them too. And she doesn't mind much, because she wants to apologize to him, so she lets them capture her.

It is months and months later (months of beatings and torture and _hurt_) and they drag Ziva into a different dusty room with a bag on her head and_ he_ is there. And she thinks she must be dreaming. She asks why he is here, and he tells her that it was for her, all for her, but Ziva knows this isn't true, because she was supposed to be dead. And she thinks he must have been trying to die too, and she thinks that they are so different but yet so alike.

And Ziva does not think that she has ever been this close to death—to wanting it, and so she doesn't flinch when the terrorist touches the knife against her throat. And it feels like water dripping across her skin—poetic in its cool flow.

It changes when Saleem suggests killing _him_, and suddenly Ziva is begging because the thought of her living while he dies has not crossed her mind before. And it leaves her terrified because now she has to protect _him_.

But she knows why Gibbs put Tony in that chair, Tim would never be able to bullshit quite like the ex-detective with the square jaw and shaggy brown hair. And she thinks only Tony would bring a rescue mission like this one.

Ziva does not deserve it—she does not deserve _him_. And his harsh words are exactly what she needs (_get over yourself_). Because she is ready to die.

But there are gunshots and Gibbs and she is still not sure what happened, but Tony's hand is in hers and she knows things will be alright. And it's only after a long plane ride and a change of clothes that she is standing in NCIS (home) again in Abby's arms that a tear falls, because she is home and she has never felt Abby be gentler.

Because now they know that she can be broken.

They are clapping she thinks, but she is too tired to do anything but cry and she doesn't want to do that. And she thinks they would not be as proud if they had known what she has done.

**Please let me know what you think!**


End file.
